You are running the business. You are managing, setting strategy, dealing with vendors, moving merchandise. Cashing the checks. People are your most valuable asset. The sky is the limit! Eye of the Tiger! Rock n’ Roll! Wanna screw it up big time? Try some of one through nine on for size. Oops, if you recognize that some of these are already happening. Your baby is ugly! Get help!
Hire Wildly! — Hire the next body through the door. Don’t bother with details like what the job duties are, work hours, previous experience. And of course, don’t even bother with a job description or interview. Just get the guy in an apron and behind the register. C’mon, times a wastin’!
Throw’em In Off the Deep End! — Now that you have your body, just plug’em into the schedule. Forget about orientation or setting expectations… that just wastes time and money!
Skip the Drug Test and Background Check — Takes time, wastes money! You need this guy right now so don’t delay! What do you care anyway what they do when they aren’t at work. Get’em out there amongst your customers. Your people are your greatest asset anyway so what are you worried about? You are in the game to make a buck!
Hire’em to Fire’em! — There are a couple of versions of this great classic. Hold a meeting, advertise it as “Shock and Awe”. Look out into the crowd and say confidently that “One of you will be fired in the next 2 weeks!” then move on. Don’t revisit your comment the rest of the meeting. Let that one stew awhile and make it back to the break room. Or, hire 2 fire 1! This works great and since the guy isn’t going to make it anyway, at least Sluggo is still here so you have a back-up plan! Low hanging fruit, y’all.
Fire Someone on the Spot — This is especially effective if you haven’t spent any time even trying to develop the person. You have never set expectations, never had a teachable moment, never shared the big picture, never recognized the person for a job well done! If something goes wrong, just dust’em. If you really want make this one work, just show the person the door in front of everyone else, no explanations given.
Half -Heartedly Tie Performance Ratings to Termination — Let this one out quietly and never really address it, explain it, or act on it. Just give your associates the feeling that if you don’t get a “meets” on your next review you are history. When someone asks you directly if it’s true, don’t answer, just smile and give a little wink. The rest will take care of itself.
Feel Free to Express Yourself! — Go on! You’re the boss. Develop your own style and since you’re the man, no one can touch you! So go right ahead, replace your associate’s name with one of these gems, Oh, There’s that Hot Babe, Sweet Lips, Cupcake, Sister, Dude, Birdbrain, Sex Machine, Brother, Einstein, or… Dumbass-you get the idea. But here is the piece de resistance, don’t do this with everyone, just some, the effect is greater if you single some workers out of the crowd and focus just on them. This will distract your workforce so much that they will have no time for the rumor mill.
Punch Someone Out! — Here is a classic. While one of your workers is hard at work taking care of your customers, punch them out of the time clock and let’em work for free. Think it is preposterous? Happened to a fast food counter person I know. The manager punched her out and saved 7 hours on his weekly budget. Only one problem, the worker kept track of her hours and reported the issue to the district office. The restaurant manager suddenly found himself with a lot more free time. They fired him and paid the worker the missing hours! Score one for “Side A!” Hey!
Cut Side Deals — No, really! When one of your associates comes to you with an issue, don’t listen to understand. Cut to the chase as soon as you can, the resolution is in offering the complaining person “whatever THEY think will make the problem go away.” This way, you don’t get your hands dirty and the person gets what they want. Do this over and over and you have a garden of associate issues. Imagine, your garden sprouting with entitlement! Wow! You are gonna hear this one a lot! “I’m allowed because the manager told me I could!”
I think I am going to stop there. 9 nightmares in one reading is enough! You know, most of what I mentioned is a version of the truth. These are crazy times and when managers don’t pay attention to what they are doing, things can go hay wire. When it does, hang on tho your hat and get ready for the real work to begin.
Share your thoughts and war stories in the comments section below.
- Britain Is Firing Every Lazy Government Worker (businessinsider.com)
- How do you explain being fired? (cbsnews.com)
- Do you have to sign termination papers? (cbsnews.com)
- Denying Unemployment to Seasonal Workers at Jersey Shore (njspotlight.com)
- The “B Side” of Talent Management (dpatlarge.wordpress.com)
- ExakTime Introduces First Rugged Wireless Time Clock That Sends Records Every Hour Back to the Office (prweb.com)
- FIRED FOR BYE BYE: Melodee Megia Sues Vegas Casino for Pregnancy Discrimination (blippitt.com)
- Israel labor court orders doctors to punch time clocks (haaretz.com)