I am not kidding…this is a true story!
Got back to the office… everyone was asking me. “Oh, so how was lunch?” Where’d you go?” Just down to the corner I said, they were asking me. “Good lunch?” I said. “Oh it was a once in a lifetime lunch… the hot sauce was perfect!” They said. “Wow!” I just made it back to my office, closed the door, and thought to myself… if they only knew what I mean by perfect.”
I will share with you what really happened. You can’t make this stuff up. This really happened. Just remember this for later. I never carry cash… not even a dollar bill.
So here goes…
It was a Wednesday. I was working. Things were going pretty well. Right about 11 am I started thinking about lunch. My usual deal was to get out of there around 11 or so and come back a little after 1 pm. A 2 hour lunch is nothing when you work 14 hours a day.
So there I was…thinking about what to have for lunch. Hmmm….
I decided on a giant Chimichanga. Down the road there was a kind of funky Mexican Burrito place where you could go in…order… from the window… and your lunch was served at the table a few minutes later. Easy enough. Since I went there all the time I knew that if I didn’t get movin’ I would be STANDING instead of sitting.
Got there. Parked. Got in line. Ordered the Chimi. Paid with an American Express card since I don’t (remember?). Ok, Took my receipt and parked it at a high top over in the corner. While you are waitin’ for your lunch, you went up to the salsa counter and grabbed a bunch of these….
There was a Salsa and Hot Sauce bar that gave you your pick of salsa ranging from VERY VERY HOT to sweet. The tastiest thing to do was mix the extremes which I did every time I went there. A always mixed a little of the super super hot hot hot salsa with a little of the sweet chili salsa. Together they made beautiful music.
Got back to my table. The place was starting to fill up. In fact a couple of young ladies sat down next to me. Same high top just one over. They were all…
And, of course the guys around her table were all….
I did notice but tried to not pay attention… Boom! my chimi hits the table and I am ready to eat! So I figured the first thing was to keep my shirt clean. I reached across the table and tried to pull a napkin out of the…
You know that when a place first opens the salt and pepper are FULL… and the napkins are crammed into the dispenser. When you reach for one you get many because they are jammed in there so tightly. I wasn’t really paying attention. I pulled one out and didn’t get very far. I yanked. Now the entire napkin dispenser is off the table and hanging by the one napkin that still won’t come out. Finally, the napkin comes out. Well no, let’s say the napkin dispenser couldn’t defy gravity any longer and it dropped to the table leaving me with a napkin in my hand. Except… the rest of jammed packed full napkin dispenser landed on the
which was full of…
Do you know what a dollop is? Picture in your mind about a tablespoon of this super super hot hot hot salsa. That’s a dollop. Now, dollops don’t usually fly…but this dollop did. Imagine stepping on a tube of toothpaste. Get the idea?
As the napkin dispenser landed on the table it landed directly on top of the hot suce in the paper cups. The napkin dispenser crushed the paper cup with the super super hot hot hot salsa. (To give you some idea… chop up a bunch of habaneros then rub your eyes.. no, don’t do that) Dollops that go up must land somewhere right?
The dollop of hot sauce shot out of the paper cup. My particular dollop landed one table over. The girl with the whale tail was sitting with her back to me.
The dollop landed just above her whale tail on the small of her back. Gravity took over real quick like and the super super hot hot hot salsa headed south…so fast that my WHALETAIL girl didn’t know what hit her. Let’s say it disappeared… fast!
She turned around and looked at me kinda like this…
She had no idea it was the super super hot hot hot salsa…
Then her friend, who also had no idea what happened was all like…
except scarier… keep in mind she too still had no idea what happened. This all transpired in a split second. The girl with the whale tale couldn’t see what happened…only FEEL the super super hot hot hot salsa run from the small of her back down between her Butt Cheeks.
She then turned around and gave me a…
If looks could kill… she was in disbelief. She sat there for a moment. She was stunned. Not to mention her womanly underthings were awash in the super super hot hot hot salsa.
I think she had trouble processing it… (er… I mean, figuring what was making her so uncomfortable.) Was this a joke? An accident? One thing for sure… she was on fire down there. All because of me.
WHALETAIL gets up and heads to the ladies room. She was in there about 10 minutes. Now I am face to face with her friend. Stink eye doesn’t even begin to describe the look on her face. She was sure I did whatever I did on purpose and she was not backing off.
I thought… this probably is not the time for a “hey, hey, baby! and a wink” or a “Hi YOU doin?” Since I have never seen this woman before in my entire life, I also decided not to knock on the ladies room door for a quick… ” Babe you alright? Babe, Need help? C’mon, open the door, you OK babe?”
My thoughts were racing. What could I do to solve this?… I quickly reviewed my options and couldn’t come up with anything workable. I have no cash on me so I can’t give WHALETAIL a $20 for dry cleaning… Since the lunch was paid for a the counter, I couldn’t pick up her check…I happened to be wearing a company shirt… so she could find me later…
I settled for a sheepish, “I hope she is okay” to the friend and got a continuous laser beam of stink eye aimed at my forehead until WHALETAIL returned to, oh, I think I mean…waddled and squished, back to the table. They were both very quiet… So now I’m standin there goin’, “Yoo Hoo! Excuse me! I didn’t even take a bite of my chimichanga yet!”
I figured, this wasn’t going to get better. I believe in being bold in the face of danger. I decided to abandon my lunch and stop at their table. I asked WHALETAIL if she was ok. She ignored me. NO sense of humor! I apologized again and said it was an accident. She wasn’t interested.
I decided to be bigger than the problem so didn’t even blame gravity. I didn’t even say how good of a shot it was or that a shot that good could NEVER BE REPEATED. Then wondered why ESPN is never around to film the shot of the day when you need them. No SportsCenter Play of the Day for me tonight. Oh well.
Nope. WHALETALE didn’t even look up at me. I figured she was afraid to look deep into my dreamy green eyes? Hey, yep they’re dreamy so I can understand.
Her friend, the prosecuting attorney of Chimichanga County, looked liked she was going to strangle me. I took a breath, then headed for the door.
Ok. I admit, I was a little proud of the shot…ok… a lot.
I left thinking. “Just hope my car starts.”